Yet another futuristic alternate dimension thing...Well, not really. Just a lot of cool and illegal gadgets and a war between God and Satan (did you really think you were going to get away without some sort of religious reference?) over possession of the universe. Take that, add a religious fanatic, an assassin and her whiny ass crack whore of a brother, mix well, and you've got Blade: A Legacy of Confusion.
Well, it's something of a *duh* that this isn't serious. At all. In any way, shape, and/or form.
The story is this: God, or, more accurately, the Hand That Moves The World, has taken on a human form, and, not to be outdone, so has Satan, or rather The Root of All Evil. They're looking for the physical incarnation of the Universe so they can be undisputable rulers of said Universe. Somehow they ended up sharing the same apartment with a pair of fugitives. One of them, known to most as Blade, is an expert weapons maker who specializes in pointy things but deals in mass destruction as well. The other, while not as well known, causes more damage than "Blade". She's his sister, a proffessional assassin. Blade, or Percy, as he preffers to be called, and Jen, his sister, don't have a clue as to who their roommates really are. Clarence just tries to get through the day without dying a painful death at the hands of his sister.
Meanwhile, the physical incarnation of the Universe, one Dharma Witherspoon, has joined a religious cult known as the Church of Plaster Jesus, founded by Cameron Caldwell, a crackpot if there ever was one. Dharma being the incarnation of Eternity has the ability to recreate existence. The only problem is, she doesn't remember a damn thing, nor does she know why Cameron Caldewell suddenly has the ability to blow up random stuff once she joins the Church of PJ.
And of course, while Satan and God are after Dharma with the help of Percy and Jen, the police are after all four of them for dealing in illegal contraband, being accessories to murder, selling nuclear secrets to the Chinese, etc, etc, etc, on and on ad nauseum.
Characters
Clarence Percival Whittaker- Known to the public as "Blade", known to his friends as Percy or "Perky" when they want to annoy him. Percy cannot stand being called Blade- he thinks it's overly cliche and stupid. It also makes it sound like he's the assassin, when he's not, he just makes bombs and things of that nature. Whenever anyone calls him Blade, he goes into spasms, as he has repeatedly told the media that his name is Clarence. Percy is a whiny little crack whore, as I've said. No, he's not really a crack whore, but the term describes him well. He's just so damn annoying, you see. Percy is a pessimist inclined to sulk about the way he's treated and how much work he has to do. He's completely submissive to Jen, not that anyone blames him for this, but he makes sure that everyone knows how annoyed he is about doing all of her grunt work. Percy is well known on the black market as "the guy who makes all those really really cool big-ass guns 'n stuff!" although he prefers to work in a smithy and make knives and swords and things when he isn't throwing a sulking fit.
Jennifer Petunia Whittaker- Jen, or Jen-Jen as Percy calls her, would be the off-white or gray to Percy's black. She's a realist, and makes a habit of smacking Percy when he whines too much. She's somewhat unstable and damn scary, being a proffessional assassin and incredibly intelligent. She absolutely hates Marni, feels apathetic about David, and thinks that the only thing her older brother is good for is fetching her breakfast and pointy things to kill people with. Jen-Jen like pointy things far more than is healthy. She's overbearing and bossy, and her left hand has this disturbing habit of twitching towards the knife at her hip whenever she's mad.
Marni Jacobson- Marni is a blonde. A very, very, very blonde blonde. She's a complete and utter ditz, and appears to have absolutely no coherent thoughts in her head. Of course, she's Percy's girlfriend, and has a higher IQ than anyone in the apartment. Her voice is shrill and annoying enough to shatter glass, as the cracked coffee table in front of the tv will attest. Marni is also the physical manifestation of Satan. Almost ironic, isn't it?
David Shandon- He's god. He doesn't just think he's god, he is god. David's a pretty laid back kinda guy for all that he's the Hand that Moves the World. He spends most of his time reading or telling Jen-Jen to calm down. Surprisingly enough, he gets along fairly well with Marni, as long as she isn't talking. But then, everybody gets along with Marni as long as she isn't talking. Nobody has ever seen David's face- he's always wearing sunglasses and has a book, newspaper, or convieniently placed wall in front of his face. The closest anyone's ever come to seeing his face is seeing the top of his sunglasses.
J.P. Apperio- Okay, so I'm doing a Pink Panther rip off. Too Bad!! Nyaa!! Anyway, Inspector Apperio's life's goal is to capture Percy and Jen-Jen. He's very short and very loud and very clumsy and stupid. He keeps on concocting convoluted schemes to capture the siblings, but they never work. So he's doomed to keep trying. It's kinda sad, really.
Cameron Caldwell- Absolutely insane. Caldwell started a freakish religious movement known as the Church of Plaster Jesus. Basically he ran around smacking people upside the head with a plaster figurine of Jesus saying "Plaster Jesus commands you to follow me! Obey Plaster Jesus!". The Church of Plaster Jesus quickly became the newest fad sweeping the country, even after random acts of destruction began occuring at every town they'd pass through. If anything, that only encouraged its popularity.
Dharma Witherspoon- Dharma is a pretty average, if insecure, sort of girl. She got caught up in the Church of PJ because of some friends, and she quickly rose through the ranks to become high priestess of Plaster Jesus, second only to Caldwell himself. She doesn't really believe in what Caldwell says, but she fits in with all of the other wackos there, and they're her friends. She doesn't know that she's actually the most powerful being in existence, which really could be a problem when Marni and David come looking for her.
Okay, like I said, this isn't serious at all, it's just a joke I thought up during Psych class. What happens in the end? Marni goes back to hell, and David goes back to heaven. Dharma agrees to help Percy keep Jen-Jen from taking over the world, and everybody is happy. Why? Because Plaster Jesus says so, that's why.